Rape. Childhood molestation. Combat.

The pain and the confusion run deep. Maybe you are overcome with tears. Maybe the pain is so deep you can’t even feel it enough to cry. Maybe there is nothing but a chasm of agony with no words. Maybe you feel nothing at all.

You don’t look. You can’t bear to.

In recovery, we’re told we need to examine our past, and not just to look, but to dissect it—to pull things apart and look squarely at what’s beneath the surface. We are assured this is the path to healing. But for victims and survivors of trauma, it’s nothing less than terrifying. They bite their lip, push through life and try to forget; drugs, alcohol, food, sex or porn as needed.

For many of us, it was the trauma, or the recollection of it, that caused us to seek a high. Whatever our drug of choice, we wanted something so we wouldn’t see, feel or remember; anything to take the pain away.

The kind of deep dissection that recovery asks of us feels almost violent. The fear and even terror, is understandable. To look is to invite the demons of hell. The shame comes flooding in. We turn away.

Hear this: it’s going to hurt, but not forever.

Instead of your shame there shall be a double portion; instead of dishonor they shall rejoice in their lot; therefore in their land they shall possess a double portion; they shall have everlasting joy. Isaiah 61:7

In order to get well, to heal, to know joy, we have to undergo a “surgery.” Like a cancer, this experience of trauma, and all of its pain, shame and terror, has to be “cut out.” The cutting is painful, but it is also life-giving and life-saving. The temporary injury leads to lifetime healing.

Most importantly, you are not alone. In fact, you’ll find yourself in good company. You walk this path of recovery with many battle-weary soldiers. It’s not uncommon for addicts to carry with them the skeletons of abuse, the terror of war and other past traumas. Ask around. You’ll find someone who knows what you’re going through, and who has lived to tell the tale.

In this process of confronting your demons, your fellowship is holding you up. But most importantly, you walk through the valley of the shadow of death with God. Fear no evil, this is for your ultimate good. Stand before God and experience the forgiving and restoring power of Christ. Whatever was done to you, he aches for it. Whatever you did, he forgives it.

There are a few truths we have to come to terms with if we’re going to make it in this life. One is that the world is impossibly broken, and broken people do unspeakable things to other people, and they become broken too. This is the reality of the world we live in. This is not to minimize or dismiss an experience of trauma. It is to affirm that in this world, sin runs rampant.

But just as there is darkness, there is light. And though you experience pain, frustration, futility and brokenness now, it won’t always be this way. Nothing is out of God’s control. He holds you in the palm of his hand. You are safe and it is time to heal and be free.

The book of Revelation makes a promise we can hold onto.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. Revelation 21:4

We don’t know when this will happen, but knowing that God knows, that he has planned redemption and freedom and wholeness, somehow helps. It allows us to confront the trauma with hope, not despair. It allows us the right to feel whatever we feel—sad, angry, lost—and know that these feelings are not the last word on our lives.

We gain the hope and comfort that there is something more. And while it may be a long time before we experience heaven, there is healing and redemption that can happen immediately. He will wipe your tears now. The old order of things, the cycle of shame and addiction that has held you captive, can pass away.

With God at your side and your fellowship behind you, you have all you need to confront the darkness that is so frightening and debilitating. You are safe; the Light shines before you.

According to the Domestic Violence Resource Center, one in four American women has been abused by their partner. Nearly three-quarters of Americans know someone who has been the victim of domestic violence. The experience of violence at the hands of a partner in heterosexual relationships starts at a shockingly young age. The DVRC states that one in five high school girls will be physically hurt by a partner with whom they are in a serious relationship.

Domestic violence is no longer considered a private matter and the pressure to stay with a violent partner exerted by society and lack of legal support experienced by our grandmothers is drastically reduced. Yet still men abuse and women stay with them.

Hitting the Woman You Love

Men in modern society still have a presumption that they are the strong one in the relationship, the protector of their loved ones, and an expectation of being the provider and that they will take on role of the disciplinarian in their family. Men expect to be the ones who set the rules in their home.

Physical violence is often accompanied by emotional abuse. Fear of their wife or girlfriend leaving means the man will belittle her so the self-confidence is destroyed. Men who hit need to control the women they are with and this need to control permeates through their life. They fear losing their partner and lack self-esteem to believe they are worthy, so exert their power and control through emotional and physical abuse. The majority have experienced violence in their childhood. Men who hit women do not see the violence as losing control, but rather as maintaining control.

The communication and control within their relationship is asserted through emotional and physical violence. The men lack the ability to communicate and negotiate and believe they need to be on top in the relationship. It is not a partnership of equality.

Staying With an Abuser

Women subjected to violence at the hands of their partner lack self esteem. The abuser will present a façade that is charming. In the early stages of a relationship, the intense need and desire the man has for the woman is enticing and nourishing. This control will develop. As the relationship grows so will the control, and the woman is often cut off from her support network of friends and family. Economically the woman is likely to be dependent on their partner as main or sole breadwinner so her means to leave are restricted or non-existent.

Often the woman will have witnessed or experienced abuse so she is conditioned to accept it. Memories of how loving the relationship was, the hope of changing the man or reverting to that initial love are powerful reasons to stay. Women are defined by society according to their relationship, as their grandmothers were. Fear of failing in a relationship, and therefore as a woman, makes leaving difficult.

The abuse leaves the woman seeing no way out, and blaming herself for the abuse. The man will cite reasons for the abuse, all of which blame the woman; the breaking down of her confidence means she is psychologically primed to believe those reasons.

Violence is Never Acceptable

In a violent relationship, nobody is on top. Violence is not an act of love; it is exertion of control and power. There is help out there, for both abuser and abused. Without seeking that help the pattern of abuse will be repeated and the horrifying result may be the death of the woman at the hands of the man. According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics of February 2003, 30% of murders of women every year are at the hands of their husband or boyfriend. It is vital that the cycle of abuse ends.

Understanding the dynamics of relationship violence is different to living it. Knowing that help is available and understanding you might need help is a difficult psychological leap to make.

The first step is to accept help is needed. If there are children from the relationship, they may end up in the same situation when they are adults, as that is the only example they have seen. Shelters are available for both a place for safety and to gain the strength to start a new life. Abusers can break the pattern they perpetuate by seeking therapeutic help. There is hope and they can end the cycle they feel trapped in. The control the abuser is compelled to seek will be found, but it is control over their actions. The partnerships of love and respect, free from violence, will be possible for both the man and the woman.