“Coming out” is the phrase commonly used when a person who is gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer and/or genderqueer (GLBTQ) tells others about their sexuality or gender identity. It may be that we choose to come out first to people who are close to us, such as friends or family members, or it may be that that we speak openly about our identity with everyone. Coming out is often liberating for someone who has been keeping the truth about who we are a secret. It can be highly freeing to finally be able to simply be who we are, and to speak openly about ourselves and our lives to those around us. It can also be terribly difficult at first to do, and an impossibly hard decision to make.

Teenagers are beginning to come out earlier and more frequently than ever before. This is likely to do with a society which is catching up with the reality that not every child is going to be heterosexual or cisgender (a word which simply means ‘not transgender’), and by and large, is becoming more accepting. This isn’t to say that all of us live in places which are happy about, or even tolerant of, who we are. Many of us still live in small, conservative communities or struggle with families or friends who simply don’t understand us. So, should we come out? If so, how do we do it and still be safe?

Before Coming Out

If you are a teen who is thinking of coming out, consider some important questions:

• How are my parents likely to respond if I come out? Will I be safe emotionally and physically?
• If my situation at home changes (i.e., my home life becomes emotionally unsafe or my parents kick me out), do I have a safe place to go?
• Will I have the resources to support myself physically and emotionally if I have to leave home?

Next, consider your reasons for wanting to come out. Are you feeling insecure about your orientation or gender identity and believe coming out may give you more confidence? Is someone pressuring you to come out? Are you trying to get the attention of a parent, friend(s), or someone you have feelings for? Are you angry with your family and hope the news will upset them? These reasons are probably not good ones.

Better reasons for coming out are if you feel sure about yourself, your safety at home, and your gender identity and/or sexual orientation. If your reasons for coming out feel right to you, and you believe coming out is safe to do, then find support-everyone needs it. Tips for Coming Out in Conservative Communities

Again, find some form of support. If you’re unable to find a sympathetic parent, sibling, friend, therapist, or guidance counselor, reach out to a supportive online community. Search for ‘LGBT Youth Support’ or more-specific-to-you searches and find a forum or online community which will lead you to a group or person willing to mentor you. Be careful. Never disclose your real name or location to a stranger. It’s about safety, and now your safety matters most of all. ??You will have specific questions this group or individual may be able to answer. If you encounter difficulties, this group or person can be your ally. Support is key. Do not go in alone. Recognize that you will face at least some opposition. Because you are young, some people will question, or outright deny, that you know who you are just yet. Some people will tell you that you are making a choice, and that this choice is the wrong choice. Rather than argue with anyone, consider the futility. You will likely feel hurt and exhausted if you try. You know why you have decided to come out. If you are prepared to face people who do not agree with you, or who do not believe you, and if you have support to help you through, then recognize that others’ opinions will not change your reality. Keep moving ahead. Be aware of your safety at all times. Never walk alone or go with a stranger. This is more important to you now than ever. Make yourself aware of the violence committed against LGBTQ people, and protect yourself. If, at any time, you feel sad, depressed, hopeless, lonely, isolated, afraid, angry, or in danger, reach out. Again, find that online community which may be your lifeline. Call a suicide hotline and connect with a real person. LGBTQ, especially transgender, youth are more at risk for violence and suicide than any other marginalized group. Protect yourself. And protect your friends.

And know that there is hope and happiness and that, yes, as Dan Savage’s wildfire so illustriously announced, it does indeed get better. Coming out can be daunting and strange and impossibly hard. People everywhere, not just in small, conservative communities, can be cruel and ignorant and terribly thoughtless. But people everywhere can also be brave and kind and beautiful. And always they are. Be one of those people. Grow and evolve and transcend the parts about your town that you don’t like, but try to see that just like you may be struggling right now, there are others too. Perhaps you can’t see them, but they’re there. You are never alone.